some jokes

Loopie · 03-10-2003, 09:35 PM

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started

*****

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself
a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off
with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with
consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in
both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually
himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,
"Use the FORKS, Luke."

******

If the energizer bunny beats someone up does he get charged with battery?

******

7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,"You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

******

here are some suggestions for new State slogans.

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A DRY Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It --Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: It's Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!

Ginsy~Dj'er · 03-11-2003, 12:48 AM

lol, thats hilkarious. i especialy like the states thingy. its like my religeons of the world.......

David · 03-11-2003, 12:54 AM

good stuff loopie

Shore for Sure · 03-11-2003, 02:05 AM

You have too much time on your hands..

Funny shit...

Loopie · 03-11-2003, 03:06 AM

Don't give me too much credit

It's called "copy&paste".

03-10-2003, 09:35 PM	#1
Loopie Chubbing it up downhill Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: kamLOOPs, BC Posts: 13,578 Rep Power: 1989483	some jokes What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started *** Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke." ** If the energizer bunny beats someone up does he get charged with battery? ** 7 DEGREES OF BLONDE ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,"You dummy, it's me!" THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" **** here are some suggestions for new State slogans. Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A DRY Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It --Yet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: It's Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!

03-11-2003, 12:48 AM	#2
Ginsy~Dj'er FSG Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: East Coast Posts: 390 Rep Power: 11	lol, thats hilkarious. i especialy like the states thingy. its like my religeons of the world....... __________________ www.fusionsoftgoods.com

03-11-2003, 02:05 AM	#4
Shore for Sure Registered User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Surrey Posts: 690 Rep Power: 17	You have too much time on your hands.. Funny shit... __________________ Kids!!....a moment of pleasure..a lifetime of pain.

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03-11-2003, 12:54 AM	#3
David hmmmmmm Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: burnaby Posts: 5,518 Rep Power: 5411	good stuff loopie

03-11-2003, 03:06 AM	#5
Loopie Chubbing it up downhill Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: kamLOOPs, BC Posts: 13,578 Rep Power: 1989483	Don't give me too much credit It's called "copy&paste".