Skidmark
07-25-2005, 04:25 PM
The air was just the right temperature Sunday afternoon as I sat in the shade, letting my legs rest and heart rate come back down. Warm enough to feel like a proper summer afternoon, but not so hot that it robs you of energy. I'd just ridden up the fire access road from the top of Mountain Highway, it's a long and winding gravel road that makes a series of switchbacks up the side of Mount Fromme. Hardcore riders can make the climb up to where I was resting in about 30 minutes, it had taken me an hour. I don't see the need to kill myself getting up the mountain, I like to take my time and enjoy the ride. That way I have lots of energy left for the trip down.
I munched on a powerbar and flipped through the paper I'd stuffed in my bag, relaxing on the stump of some old growth tree cut down decades ago. Every now and then a group of riders would swing past, on their way up to a higher trail than the one I was taking. I had applied a healthy layer of insect repellent before starting out, so the black flies and mosquitoes weren't too bothersome. They'd land on me, look for a place to chomp, and fly away when they realized I didn't taste good.
As I flipped through the Entertainment section, I felt something tickle my right arm. I figured it was just another black fly, or maybe one of the cinch straps on my backpack, moving in the breeze. Just as I got to an interesting story on the new Narnia movie coming out, a burst of pain shot through me, as the back of my arm erupted. I dropped the paper and swatted at my arm, and felt something roll under my fingers. It fell to the ground, and I saw it was a horsefly the size of my thumb. This thing was huge. I bet if it landed on a bathroom scale, the needle would move. I hadn't killed it with my spasm, just stunned it a little. As I stared at it in horror, it struggled to it's wings and rose up in the air. I swatted at it again, but like a drunken monkey kung fu fighter, it wobbled through the air away from my hand. I watched it climb above the tree line and figured that was the end of it.
Figuring that was as good a sign as any that it was time to get moving, I started putting on my body armor. Legs first, then arms. It's like a little ritual, I like to imagine I'm a Samurai Warrior from ancient Japan, donning his armor before doing battle. I try not to let anyone see that if I'm riding in a group, it would be awkward trying to explain why I'm humming the theme from Shogun.
So as I'm doing up the multitude of velcro straps, I hear it... bzzzzzzzzzzz. It's a low, throaty buzz, whispering nearby. Bzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz. It's moving, coming closer. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
The damn horsefly is back! Shit!
I wheel around, searching the air. Where is it? I can't see it, but I can hear it. Up left! Circling overhead! Now it's behind me! BZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!
Something brushes the side of my face. I punch myself in the eye, slap the side of my head. The buzz moves away a little, repositioning itself for an alternate line of attack. I'm spinning around in the middle of the road like a madman, arms raised, half blind from socking myself in the eye. A couple of cyclists ride past me with their dog, I cry out for them to watch out, it's coming back! They look startled, and ride faster. Only later does it occur to me that they were probably just trying to get away from the crazy guy in the road.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!
I flail my limbs like an epileptic at a strobe light factory, hoping against hope that I'll either connect with the little bastard or knock myself out. Something lands on my shoulder. With a force that almost dislocates the joint from it's socket, I heave my hand at it, and am rewarded with a sickening CRUNCH. The fly falls to the ground, legs twitching, mouthing obscenities in it's foul little fly language.
I fell to my knees, exhausted from battle. I had been blooded, but was victorious. Walking back to my stump, I drained half the water in my pack. It was warm, but that sweet fresh water tasted like liquid victory. Gathering up my fallen equipment, I finished strapping on the rest of my gear. Before setting off down the trail, I rolled over to where it fell for one last look. My stomach dropped a little when I saw it was gone. I looked around to make sure I wasn't mistaken, but sure enough, it had recovered and flown away. Maybe it was just my nerves, but I could swear I heard, from somewhere high above the trees, a weakened bzzzzzzzz...
I made it down that trail in record time. I never did see that fly again, but as I rode through a clearing, I heard a strange noise, like a dog whimpering. I looked up in time to see the pooch that had been with those two riders, sailing overhead. Apparently he just wasn't as skilled a warrior as me. I bet those two bikers wish they'd listened to me now.
I munched on a powerbar and flipped through the paper I'd stuffed in my bag, relaxing on the stump of some old growth tree cut down decades ago. Every now and then a group of riders would swing past, on their way up to a higher trail than the one I was taking. I had applied a healthy layer of insect repellent before starting out, so the black flies and mosquitoes weren't too bothersome. They'd land on me, look for a place to chomp, and fly away when they realized I didn't taste good.
As I flipped through the Entertainment section, I felt something tickle my right arm. I figured it was just another black fly, or maybe one of the cinch straps on my backpack, moving in the breeze. Just as I got to an interesting story on the new Narnia movie coming out, a burst of pain shot through me, as the back of my arm erupted. I dropped the paper and swatted at my arm, and felt something roll under my fingers. It fell to the ground, and I saw it was a horsefly the size of my thumb. This thing was huge. I bet if it landed on a bathroom scale, the needle would move. I hadn't killed it with my spasm, just stunned it a little. As I stared at it in horror, it struggled to it's wings and rose up in the air. I swatted at it again, but like a drunken monkey kung fu fighter, it wobbled through the air away from my hand. I watched it climb above the tree line and figured that was the end of it.
Figuring that was as good a sign as any that it was time to get moving, I started putting on my body armor. Legs first, then arms. It's like a little ritual, I like to imagine I'm a Samurai Warrior from ancient Japan, donning his armor before doing battle. I try not to let anyone see that if I'm riding in a group, it would be awkward trying to explain why I'm humming the theme from Shogun.
So as I'm doing up the multitude of velcro straps, I hear it... bzzzzzzzzzzz. It's a low, throaty buzz, whispering nearby. Bzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz. It's moving, coming closer. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
The damn horsefly is back! Shit!
I wheel around, searching the air. Where is it? I can't see it, but I can hear it. Up left! Circling overhead! Now it's behind me! BZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!
Something brushes the side of my face. I punch myself in the eye, slap the side of my head. The buzz moves away a little, repositioning itself for an alternate line of attack. I'm spinning around in the middle of the road like a madman, arms raised, half blind from socking myself in the eye. A couple of cyclists ride past me with their dog, I cry out for them to watch out, it's coming back! They look startled, and ride faster. Only later does it occur to me that they were probably just trying to get away from the crazy guy in the road.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!
I flail my limbs like an epileptic at a strobe light factory, hoping against hope that I'll either connect with the little bastard or knock myself out. Something lands on my shoulder. With a force that almost dislocates the joint from it's socket, I heave my hand at it, and am rewarded with a sickening CRUNCH. The fly falls to the ground, legs twitching, mouthing obscenities in it's foul little fly language.
I fell to my knees, exhausted from battle. I had been blooded, but was victorious. Walking back to my stump, I drained half the water in my pack. It was warm, but that sweet fresh water tasted like liquid victory. Gathering up my fallen equipment, I finished strapping on the rest of my gear. Before setting off down the trail, I rolled over to where it fell for one last look. My stomach dropped a little when I saw it was gone. I looked around to make sure I wasn't mistaken, but sure enough, it had recovered and flown away. Maybe it was just my nerves, but I could swear I heard, from somewhere high above the trees, a weakened bzzzzzzzz...
I made it down that trail in record time. I never did see that fly again, but as I rode through a clearing, I heard a strange noise, like a dog whimpering. I looked up in time to see the pooch that had been with those two riders, sailing overhead. Apparently he just wasn't as skilled a warrior as me. I bet those two bikers wish they'd listened to me now.